Post your jokes here!

[Slots]

so i decided to add a joke thread everyone post your jokes(keep them semi clean i guess). heres the first: (might be somewhat long)

a costumer walks into a gas station and asks the cashier how much for a pack of cigs the cashier says "I dunno". So the customer leaves without buying and the manager says "You're suppose to say '10 cents!'".

So the next day another customer comes in and ask how much teh cigs are. The cashier says "10 cents!". then the customer asked if they were fresh so the Cashier said "I dunno". The customer left without buying and the manager walks in and told the cashier to say "Very very fresh".

The next day a customer walks in and ask how much for the cigs and the cashier says "10 cents!". then the customer asked if they were fresh and the cashier says "Very very fresh". then the customer asks if he should buy them and the cashier said "I dunno". The customer leaves without buying and the manager walks in and tells the cashier to say "If you don't some one else will".

The next day a customer walked in and asked how much for the cigs. The Cashier said "10 cents!". the customer asked if they were fresh so the cashier said "Very very Fresh". then the customer asked if he should buy them so the cashier said "If you don't someone else will". So the customer leaves after buying a pack and a robber walks in. The robber asks "How much is in the cash register?". The cashier said "10 cents!". Then the robber asks "Are you getting fresh with me?!?". The Cashier says "Very very fresh". The robber got mad and asked "Should i blow your head off?". The cashier said "If you don't someone else will".

[Sykoi]

Good idea, and for future reference: If you make a post, PLEASE try to have a joke in it (And put your joke in [ quote]s)



A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examing his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."
The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"

The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."



Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.




An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"



Q: Why does the bar association prohibit lawyers and clients from having sex?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.




Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed to one of the ugliest girls there.
''Why?'' he asks.

St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The same happens to the second guy. He asks why.

St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The third guy laughs at his friends and says, ''Thank God I didn't do anything like that.'' He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys ask, ''Why?''

''Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone.''




A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

[Slots]

ok heres one form another forum i browse:

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.

The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."

The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

[ShininShado]

This is a pretty funny one.

A man named David walked down the beach in California. A devoted man of God, he prayed every day, read the Bible everday, and was a model Christian. While walking down the beach, his thoughts were on God and the beauty of the ocean.

As he was walking, the clouds parted and God came down to David and began to speak. God stated with a booming voice; "David, you have been a devout Christian your whole life. From an early age you read the Bible daily. You are a deacon in your church, and teach Sunday school. I hear your prayers for others daily, and have come to grant you one wish. To reward you for your pious virtue and unending devotion, you get one wish, but choose carefully, you only get one."

David, astounded to see God, and taken aback by the ordeal thinks to himself... "Goodness, I need to choose wisely." After about five minutes straight of contimplation, he says to God: "God, I know what I want for my wish."

God replies, "What will your wish be David, my son?"

David says with respect and love in his voice, "God, I want to visit Haiwaii soooo bad, but cannot afford a plane ticket. Can you make for me a highway that spans from California to Haiwaii. That way I can just drive there, instead of having to buy a plane ticket. "

God thinks to himself for a while, and says "David, as relegious and faithful as you are, do you realize the undertaking you are asking for? That is over a thousand miles, and there are parts of the Pacific at least a mile down, and then to sink the pilings for the highway, this is just too much of an undertaking to ask for David. I will however, grant you another wish. Take your time and decide wisely."

David thinks for a few moments and says; "God, in all of your power, please, just please answer me this question as my wish. Please, please tell me why women go shopping almost everyday, why they cry for no reason. God, tell me why if something is bothering a woman they nothing is bothering them, and they hold it against you for years? God, why is that women think everything makes them look fat?? David goes on and on... and says, "God, as my wish, please answer me this."

God thinks for a moment... and says in a loud booming voice; "Will that highway be one lane or two??"

[BrainBandAid]

A personal favorite...


Back in the olden days when Samurai were important, there was a powerful Japanese Emperor who needed a new Chief Samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world of that time that he was searching for a CHIEF Samurai. A year passed, but only 3 people applied for the very demanding position;

1. a Chinese Samurai
2. a Japanese Samurai
3. a Jewish Samurai

The emperor asked the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief Samurai. The Chinese Samurai opened a match box, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword, and the bumblebee dropped dead on the ground.

The emperor exclaimed "That is very impressive!"

The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Japanese Samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Japanese samurai also opened a match box and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, Whoosh!
And the fly dropped dead on the ground in four small pieces.

The emperor exclaimed: "That is VERY impressive!"

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish Samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the Chief Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, said: "Very ambitious!, but why is that gnat not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said: "Circumcision is not meant to kill."

[Sicarius]

Adam and god are talking in the garden of eden, and adam says to god, "hey god, i really wanted to thank you for making me eve and everything but its just....her area has a really bad smell and all, and I was wondering if you could do anything about it.." god responds "sure, ill see what i can do"
so the next day adam comes back to god and says "hey god, well the smell isnt as bad now, but well now, wherever the smell goes, it stays there and it wont go away! so well...now I smell like her too!!"
god responds "well, thats no good, lets see what we can do about this" so adam follows god to the river in the garden of eden
and they both see eve bathing in the river naked
and god looks down at adam and yells "NOOOO!!!! Now the fish will smell like it too!!!!"

[Abc]

Joke 1

Mr. Smith calls home and says to his maid, "I'd like to talk to my wife."
The maid says, "I don't know, sir. I don't think she can come to the phone."
Mr. Smith says, "Why not?"
The maid says, "She's...She's in bed with a man."
Mr. Smith says, "Okay...in the kitchen drawer there is a gun..take it and shoot them both."
The maid takes it out, shoots them both, and then gets back to the phone.
She say, "Okay, now what should I do?"
Mr. Smith says, "Dump the bodies in the pool."
The maid says, "The...the pool?"
Mr. Smith says, "Wait a minute. Is this 555-7053?"




Joke 2

Carrol and Daine are talking about women who find older men attractive. Caro says, "After my grandmother passed away, my grandfather became a real skirt-chaser. He started cutting notches in his cane for every woman he scored with. In fact, that's what eventually killed him."
Daine says, "All the sex killed him?"
Carrol says, "No. One day he made the mistake of leaning on his cane."

Shira

[SunWuKong]

Jesus has just been put up on the cross. Amongst the crowd of gawkers and soldiers, the Apostles are milling about worried about what is going to happen.

After a few minutes, Jesus calls out - "Peter. Peeeeter," in a very tired but anxious voice.
The Apostles look at Peter. "What are you going to do? The Lord wants to impart some final wisdom, but the guards will keep anyone from going up the hill."
Peter thinks about this for a few seconds. "I'll have to risk it. These could be the final words of our Savior. His words must be passed on."
So Peter rushes out of the crowd, pushes through the guards to Jesus. "Quick, my Lord. What do you wish to tell me?"
Before Jesus can say anything, the guards grab Peter, throw him to the ground, kick him a few times, and then toss him back down the hill.
The other Apostles pick Peter up, and brush him off. "Peter, what did the Lord say?"
Peter replies, "He didn't get a chance to speak."

At this point, the Apostles again here the beaconing call - "Peter. Peeeeeter."
"You've got to get back up there, Peter" the Apostles say. "We must know what the Lord wishes to tell us.
So Peter walks around to a spot where the guards don't look too attentive. He runs up the hill, again, pushing one of the guards down as he goes. He reaches the cross, and leaps up, wrapping his arms and legs around it to get closer to Jesus.
"Quick, quick my Lord. Tell me what you would have the people know!"
The guards, again, grab Peter, beat him up and toss him back down the hill.
The Apostles, again, dust him off and ask if he heard what Jesus had to say. Again, Peter tells them that he didn't have a chance.

"Peter. Peeeeeter," comes the call from Jesus. This time a little more urgent.

"Okay. This time I have a plan," says Peter. "I'm going to grab that ladder over there. You guys go to the other side of the hill and start a fight. That should distract the guards, enough."
With ladder in-hand, Peter waits until the fight starts. Sure enough, the guards rush over to stop the riot. Wasting no time, Peter runs up the hill, leans the ladder against Jesus's cross, climbs up so he's face-to-face with Jesus.
"What, what do need to tell me, my Lord? Hurry! Before the guards come back." Peter pleads.
Jesus replies, "I can see your house from here."




I have to do this one:
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender takes a look at him and says, "Why the long face?"

[ToshiMaru]

HEHEHEHE, sorry if this offends anyone, its the best i've got.

Three men goes camping one night, one is an american, another is a russian, and another is mexican. The three are getting drunk and the russian camper decides to throw his vodka into the air, and pulls out a revolver and blasts the bottle into peices.

AMERICAN:
Dude, why did you do that?

MEXICAN:
Yea homie, why? Vodka is expensive.

RUSSIAN:
Ah, dont worry, im from Russia, where i come, we have a lot of them, so its no biggie.

The three of them goes back to drinking. And the mexican guy throws his Corona into the air, and pulls out another pistol and blasts his bottle.

RUSSIAN:
Hey, why did you do that?

MEXICAN:
Ah, i live in Mexico, where i come from, we got a lot of those, its not biggie.

The American dude, goes back to drinking, then he throws his Bud Light into the air, and pulls out his gun. He shoots the Mexican in the head and then takes out another beer.

RUSSIAN:
uhhhh, why did you do that?

AMERICAN:
Eh, i live in California, where i come from, we got a lot of them, its no biggie.

[Akuma]

A blonde and a lawyer sit next to each other on a plane. The lawyer asks her to play a game. If he asked her a question that she didn't know the answer to, she would have to pay him five dollars; And every time the blonde asked the lawyer a question that he didn't know the answer to, the lawyer had to pay the blonde 50 dollars. So the lawyer asked the blonde his first question, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?" Without a word the blonde pays the lawyer five dollars. The blonde then asks him, "What goes up a hill with four legs and down a hill with three?" The lawyer thinks about it, but finally gives up and pays the blonde 50 dollars. Then the lawyer asked her what the answer was and without a word the blonde gave the lawyer five dollars.