Making a short story - need some feedback

[Raku]

hey, i am working on a short story for school, so i thought i would sort of dedicate it to Tatsumaki =P Anyway, here is the first two paragraphs, so please tell me what you think.

(lots of feedback please, tell me if it needs more suspense/less suspence, if it makes you want to read more even though its 2 paragraphs long etc.)

+++ EDITED +++

It has been several years since Raku received his last job. There was too much death in his life, too much sadness. Well, not anymore. It was time to start buisness again, time to shed blood once more.

"Yes, sir, it shall be done." Raku glanced at his employer, trying not to grin, "He shall fall by the end of tommorow - you have my word". There was almost no light in this room, because of the one, small window, which, fortunately, was covered up by rotten planks of wood. Raku started to walk out the door but was interupted by a short, sudden mumble. "Many people have given me their word, sir, but i assure you, none have kept it, so please, do not give me your word."

Raku turned around and through back the sack of gold, disgusted. "If you do not believe me, keep the gold." Raku smirked an uneasy smirk. "Untill you have his head in your hands, that is." The man laughed, which caused Raku's eyebrow to twitch. "I assure you now, sir, that I am the best. No assasin or band of mercenaries have taken me on and lived to tell the tale, and those that have die shortly after". His employer froze, as he did not know who he had just hired, he did not know what he had just caused his mortal enemy, that is, untill now. "What have I done?" the man exclaimed, "What have I done?".

[Sykoi]

Its pretty good, but you kind of plop the reader down into the middle of something too dramatic... Maybe if you start by slightly explaining the scenery of the room they're in first (Nothing too indepth, just enough to flesh out the first paragraph a tid bit more - so maybe one or two sentences)

Other than that, great job :D

If you haven't already, you should take a look at the Tatsumaki Web-Comic ;)

[Raku]

K thanks for the info Syk, your the man ^^

Its already started? Damn. I wanted to join the story team =(

[moses]

raku, you have through when you want threw :D
also its assassin not assasin
and ur until have one to many l's

sorry. its seems im in edit mode more and more since helping trin :P

[SunWuKong]

First paragraph seems to contradict itself. It says that Raku has too much death and sadness, but then he goes to kill people.
Agree with Sykoi - flesh it out a bit. Add mood/atmosphere (weather?)

Check word use: threw, not through.

Looking forward to seeing more. Good start!
:)

[ShininShado]

Hmmm, almost no setting given, this could be modern day Peru for all we know. Imagery would help set the tone, and give more depth to the setting. Character development lacking as well, what is the background of this character? Why is his "employer" paying a bounty to kill someone? The main thing I can take from this is that there is tension between the "employer" and the main character, and the dialogue there is pretty good.

It's good to write things that you know are familiar with Raku. If you know literature for instance, write about that, you'll have a background to support what you write. In many cases, can wing what you don't have direct knowledge of. I hope this doesn't come across as just super negative, it's an honest critique.

[Tenshin]

Certain things in it are unclear. The employer is laughing and stuff, knowing the bounty hunter can't kill his target, but when Raku says one thing his employers seems regretful of hiring him, because he thinks he'll actually kill him. I don't get it. Is he sad that he'll lose his money?

Aside from a small lack in buildup it sounds good though.

[Raku]

Ok thanks for the feedback, ill be sure to ckeck it through and do what needs to be done.

Haha, well, i think it was good at the time i wrote it, which was at about 10:30pm while i was half asleep listening to some heavy metal.

Anyway, thanks again for the feedback, BUAHAHAHA!

[Kurosaki]

I think your using afew too many "," Since alot of them are due to descriptions why not use the occasional ";".

I agree with the others, you have just dropped the readers in at the deep end, add to the setting and mood, but what you could do is rather than trying to pad it with char development out, In the following paragraphs explain who Raku is to the audience and develop his character there rather than developing his character at the start.

(that grammers terrible. Sorry, 00:00 cant expect my grammer to be that good)

Its a very common thing to develop characters at the start of the story. Providing you can pull it off leaving readers in the dark will work well. Only downside is if you get it slightly wrong the readers will get bored.

With regards to "no assassins or band of mercs has ever ......." If in your story the person(s) you have to kill have assassins or mercs you could add little flashbacks, making your resolve that bit weaker, making a link to your opening sentence about the too much bloodshed and killing and sadness.

Im gna leave my comment at that. Ive just released im talking out of my arse.